...

im not old but i feel grey just like the weather. i want to get out of here. anywhere but here. i don't like to think. i don't like to feel. i just want to stop breathing even for a second just to clear my head. sometimes i feel like i am so inadequate. everything is not enough. not enough love. not enough care. not enough attention. maybe i have a problem. chaos is my life. emotional chaos that is. whatever that means. see, even i can't explain it. im such a mess. even though i don't like to think about it, there is always this thought at the back of my mind that pops up everytime there's an issue because of me. because i am oblivious and unemphatic. as you said, i will never change. maybe i won't. who knows. but this is me. and even before you know me this is how i am. i am wired this way. i don't know if i can change that and i don't know if you will understand but i am willing to try. i just don't like you saying that someday you'll be fed with me. maybe you will. then what? that's when the repressed thought at the back of my head pops up. that one day just like my ex you will turn your back on me and leave and i can't do anything to make you stay. scary thought for me. very scary. im screwed.