Imperfect

I've fallen in love once, twice, too many times. I've been in a serious relationship, a not so serious one, flings and a fleeting like kind. I've been hurt, bruised and trampled on. Sometimes I am a willing victim but most of the time, a not so willing victim...but still trampled on. I've learned some trades of the game, but most, Im still in the process of learning. It was different every time. You deal with a different person on every encounter. One is totally different from the other. You just have to have the gift of discernment to know what is applicable to whom you're with at the moment. In every relationship, you start from scratch. You get to know the person and go from there. And if ever the relationship didn't work out, you still end up with nothing and go back to scratch. I guess that's just the way it is.

In the middle of all the fuzz, when emotions of excitement begins to settle down, reality will start to sink in. Questions will start to pour like a black cloud hanging from your head that won't leave you alone. You begin to see the true nature of what you're into. Love now becomes a decision. It's a decision that entails lots of maturity, courage, hope and trust. If it's worth your time and energy, you might just give it a shot, but if you think that it's doomed from the start then better spare yourself of the pain you'll inflict to yourself and to the person you're with.

In those encounters that I've had, I've learned different things but it still doesn't make me a perfect partner. No one is perfect anyway. The fears that I have before is still the same fears that I have today, and sometimes those fears haunt me in the most unusual manner and in the most unusual way. It's the same demon I've been fighting with eversince. Those fears sometimes crippled me and leave me helpless with no one to rely on but myself. Those fears sometimes leave me defeated without knowing that I've been pushing away the person who matters to me the most. But if you know me well enough inside and out, you will understand my weakness and you wont take it against me because you know that that weakness is part of my imperfection, and that there is way, way more beyond the imperfection that you see, and beneath that imperfection lies a soul with the purest intentions of just loving and just wanted to be loved faithfully...


After he left, I cried for a week. And then I realized I do have faith: faith in myself, faith that I would one day meet someone who would be sure that I was the ONE.
--Carrie, Sex & The City