Next stop

Malapit na akong lumipat ng ibang city. Malapit ko ng iwanan ang pinaka-unang trabaho ko dito sa Amerika. Nabibilang na ang araw ko dito sa apartment ko. Aminin ko man o hindi pero kahit papano nalulungkot ako. Alam kong Im just a body at work pero nung hinandaan ako ng mga kasama at kaibigan ko sa trabaho ng get away party at halos lahat sila dumating, naramdaman ko kahit papano na mahalaga ako. Lagi nila ako tinatanong If Im excited. Ang laging sagot ko "No. It's mixed emotions." Alam kong mahihirapan na naman ako sa mga unang araw, linggo o buwan ko sa trabaho dahil ibang setting na naman yun pero iniisip ko nalang na kailangan kong matuto. Kailangan kong lawakan kung ano man ang alam ko. Pero sure ko na mamimiss ko ang mga kaibigan ko. Yun lang naman ang buhay ko dito mula ng dumating ako sa Amerika, ospital at apartment.

Ang itsura ng apartment ko ngayon kasing gulo ng utak ko. Ang dami kong gamit na tinapon. Ang dami kong ipinamigay at yung mahahalaga at importante e kailangan kong ilipat sa bago kong apartment. Sana ganun din kadaling itapon o ipamigay yung mga cobwebs sa utak at puso. Iniisip ko, kailangan ko din siguro 'tong move na 'to. Kailangan ko makakita ng bagong surroundings. Kailangan kong makakilala ng mga bagong tao. Kailangan ko ma-experience ang ibang mga bagay. Ito siguro ang sagot sa pagpapagaling ko. Malay natin baka biglang tumino ang utak ko.

Chances Are

"For better or worse, through thick and thin, you've been there by my side, sharing the laughter and the tears through life's uncertain ride. We don't know what the future has in store for you and me, but this I know, without a doubt, the best is yet to be. Happy wedding anniversary to my loving husband! Thank you for all the yesterdays, I appreciate your love today and look forward to all the tomorrows."

Post yan sa facebook ng isang kaibigan ko na nagcelebrate ng wedding anniversary nila. Nung nabasa at nakita ko yan bigla akong nalungkot. Parang gusto kong maiyak. But Im happy for them. Im happy for them that they found each other and stick with each other and kahit nagkakatampuhan sila at isang linggong di nag-uusap...in the end sila pa din ang magkakampi. In sickness and in health walang iwanan.

That kind of love is the love Im always praying for...and still continue to pray for...

The loneliest place that you ever know

"I don't know if you've ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That's why I'm trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning."
- The Perks of Being a Wallflower

All I need

I meant what I said when I said until my dying day...

Emotional Diarrhea

Hindi ko na iisipin ang mga bagay na nagbibigay ng sakit sa kin...
Hindi na kita kukulitin kung ano ang nangyari at kung pano nangyari yun...
Hindi ko na pahihirapan ang sarili ko sa kakaisip kung san ba ko nagkulang...
Hindi ko na itatanong sayo kung mahal mo ba talaga ko o kung gano mo ako kamahal...

Kailangan kong matutunan na piliin lang ang mga bagay na dapat kong isipin o pagtuuan ng pansin...
Kailangan kong matutunang tanggapin ang nakaraan dahil hindi ko na maibabalik pa yun kahit ilang kaha ng yosi pa ang maubos ko...
Kailangan kong paalalahanan ang sarili ko na hindi ako kulang sa taong di naghahanap ng sobra...na sapat ako bilang ako...

Na hindi ako masamang tao...
Na hindi ko deserve na lokohin ng kahit sino...
Na mamahalin ako ng taong mahal ko ng buong buo at walang kahati...






If it's a broken part, replace it
If it's a broken arm, then brace it
If it's a broken heart, then face it...

Sign

MAD

I am mad. Everytime I imagine the things that you two did together I am breaking into pieces. I am fuming with anger and I dont know how to get rid of this. Demmit! I want to shout so loud until I get everything out of my system. I want to hurt somebody or more so hurt myself. I want to feel physical pain in order for me to mask this pain inside. I feel my chest tightening and hurting all at the same time...everytime. Im sorry but I am so messed up.

I need to stop thinking.
I need to shut down.
I need to get over this.
Most of the time I just want to stop breathing and die...

The Mending...

I refuse to feel hurt over and over again...
I refuse to feel betrayed everytime I think about it...
I refuse to give my time of the day to those painful memories which I can't even reverse...
I refuse to be bitter and hateful especially to you because of what happened...
I refuse to lose sleep and energy by thinking about those hurtful memories...
I refuse to feel belittled by that ugly, asshole, pig, dickhead,DOM,coward, ball-less, evil person who doesn't even know the word respect...(obviously, im still an angry bird & will be for the longest time. yeah, i wish him HELL!)

But

I won't deny myself to break down sometimes because that's my way of coping
And I hope when everything calms down inside, happiness will be there to welcome me back...



The things that hurt the most are the things you never expected...

Footprints

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.

In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only.

This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord,

“You promised me Lord, that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”

The Lord replied, “The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.”

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Though I break at times, I will always be here for you and help you through. I will do my best to be strong for you just like before. And just like the Lord, I will carry you through...

ILOVEYOU SO MUCH...more than you can imagine...




"Don't count the lost, but instead cherish what you have and plan what you want to gain... for the past never returns, but the future may fulfill the loss."

The Noise Inside

May mga araw na kapag tinitignan ko ang sarili ko sa salamin, nalulungkot ako. Nalulungkot ako kasi nakikita ko sa mga mata ko yung lalim ng mga sugat ko. Pero pag ganun na ang nararamdaman ko sinasabi ko sa sarili ko na Im going to be fine...malayo sa bituka yan. Life goes on. Love and forgive. Everything happens for a reason. At kung ano ano pang mga cliches. Oo nabubuhay ako sa cliches ngayon. Apektado ako sa mga nababasa kong quotes at naririnig kong mga kanta. Feeling ko sinulat yun para sa kin. Kahit sa mga bagay na yun man lang mafeel ko na special ako.

I never asked for anything but to be enough. I hope this time I AM ENOUGH...

And just so you know, there are days when I'm a complete and utter insecure, paranoid wreck...and Im sorry.

Moving Forward

I picked up my pieces so I could help you pick up yours...